Snapshots
by Jammed
Summary: In which the rain stirs memories of Cho Gonou, and Hakkai realizes that there is more than one way to remember a person. A very tiny hint of slash, if you choose to look at it that way.


All standard disclaimers apply.

~***~

Rain. He hated it. Rain dampens his senses and awakens the soul of Cho Gonou in the body of Cho Hakkai. Not even the strongest liquor can do that but the plain, neutral _water_ from the sky succeeds every time without fail. For all that people said rain was a life-giver, to his eyes, rain was death incarnate.

For as long as he could remember, every time something major happened to him, there will always be rain. Maybe he had slighted the rain god in his past life. And now rain was determined to witness his every life tragedy.

The first time, perhaps, was that night five or six years ago……

***

It had been raining since early afternoon and still the heavens showed no signs of slacking though it was well into the night already. Through the glass windowpanes, lightning illuminated the corridor often enough that a lamp was unnecessary. Rain lashed at the said windowpanes, demanding to be let in. Not that he could, even if he wanted to.

"But what are we going to do with him?"

The exasperated voice stopped him in his tracks. His eyes shifted to the door on his right. He had no doubt who the 'him' was. The nuns weren't exactly discreet when talking about him. 

"He's already 17! He's old enough to make a living for himself. All the others his age have already left long ago. We can't afford to feed one who is capable of making money himself." 

"Ridiculous. One mouth doesn't make that much of a difference. And besides, he has been helping us out. Teaching the kids, chopping firewood, cooking -"

"All the things we could have done ourselves. We can teach and we have hands strong enough for those chores. He's not a necessity here. And also……he's a male. A man now. And you know better than me what the villagers will think."

"It doesn't matter what they think."

"It does! Do you think that they will continue donating to us if there are scandalizing rumors circulating? And without their contributions, we can't support the kids! Cho Gonou has to leave." 

Silence. And then, softly-

"But if he left, where would he go to?"

***

This was the sixth town he had reached. Weather beaten and slightly rundown, it looked no different from the previous ones. Odd, how after the third town, every town looked the same to him. Even the residents looked the same, harried face after harried face.

How long had it been since he left the church? Four, maybe five months. Six at the most. It seemed like yesterday.

_"But if he left where would he go to?"_

The conversation had been interrupted suddenly then. Cho Gonou himself had opened the door without so much as a knock, not bothering to hide the fact that he had overheard every single word of the exchange. The room had only two occupants. One was one of those strict, stiff-backed nuns who had never liked him. Now she refused to meet his eyes, embarrassment and contempt shown clearly on her face. The other was the head nun; her wise and wrinkled face showing surprise. Surprise, quickly fading to be replaced with…sympathy? That angered him more then contempt had. He was used to contempt; he had never been liked by many. But he was not so weak and helpless that he needed their pity.

"I understand, sister, that I've overstayed my welcome here," he said softly, voice carefully controlled to let not a bit of emotion show.

"Gonou-" the head nun started.

He lifted a hand for silence, which he got though he was below them in rank. "And since I'm obviously not needed here…," he glanced at the other nun who bowed her head down, muttering something, "I'll be leaving. Tomorrow morning." _Never mind that he had no idea what he would do once he left…_

There was no mistaking the look of relief on both faces. 

Gonou shut his eyes, wishing he could shut the mental image out too. The inn room was the same as the previous ones. One white bed, one brown chair. One white door, one brown window. Bland and utilitarian. Not that it mattered. He would be spending most of his time outside.

He didn't really have any grand plans. After he left the church the only clear path he had in his mind was to find his sister. So that was what he was doing.So far all he had done at each stop was find a temporary job and search for Kanan. He would stay long enough to earn enough for the next trip and after he had made sure that Kanan was not in the town, he would leave.

Gonou got off the bed and went to the window. Outside, people were bustling to and fro, making use of the daylight while it lasts, trying to earn that extra coin. The town was busy enough to boast a school and orphanage of its own. It had occurred to Gonou that Kanan, like himself could have been raised in an orphanage. Perhaps, she would still be with the orphanage. Even if she had left, maybe the people there could give him clues to her whereabouts.

How long ago was it when he last saw his sister? It could be five years, could be ten years. Would he even recognize her when, no, _if_ he saw her? Perhaps, but he dare not be certain. He might have met her already, but did not recognize her. There were times like this when he felt he was on a fool's errand. 

Ah, well. It was only the sixth town so far, there was still hope, however faint it might be. Besides, he had swore to himself that he would at least search ten towns before giving up. And he was too proud not to go through with that.

***

"I'm sorry, sir. I entered the church only a few days ago," The young nun said politely. Like most places the church and the orphanage were cramped together on the same premises. 

Gonou stifled a sigh of disappointment. It was only to be expected. Even if the nun was an old hag who had been with the church for years, who would remember a child who _might_ have been here years ago? And the description of brown hair and green eyes was common enough that anyone could fit it.

Thanking the nun, Gonou turned to leave. Suddenly a group of children burst in from one of the many doors, chattering excitedly.

"Sister, sister, who is this man?"

"Ne, sister, is he our new sensei?"

"Is he? Is he?"

"He looks just like a sensei."

As the flustered nun tried to calm the children, Gonou contemplated this notion. He could afford the time, but should he?

"Aren't there anyone teaching the children now?" he asked tentatively.

"No. Unfortunately, no one has volunteered and we can't afford to hire. There are five of us here, and we have some volunteers who help out sometimes but none of us know enough to teach."

"Then…may I offer you my services?"

Perhaps it was pity that helped him decide. Perhaps it was the fact that they looked eager to learn. But the strongest reason was the knowledge that as orphans, they were extremely dependant on outside help. And if he didn't help them, it was likely that no one else would. 

***

"Hold the brush steadily. It won't bite, you know."

The child smiled and relaxed his death-grip on the brush. Gonou was teaching them Chinese calligraphy. The children enjoyed his lessons immensely as he was nothing like the old and stiff so-called scholars they had for teachers before.

"Ne, sensei. You are our second most favourite sensei."

"Really? Who's the first?"

"We all call her onee-chan. She always plays with us."

"Sometimes she read stories to us. Her stories all always very nice."

"I've never seen her before."

"Oh, she always comes after you left in the afternoons."

"We told her all about you and onee-chan said she wants to meet you. Onee-chan said she's coming early today."

"Ne, sensei, onee-chan looks just like you!"

Gonou's heart almost stopped beating then. _Looks…just like…me?_

"Ah, onee-chan, you're here already."

A soft, melodious voice reached his ears from behind. "You must be the new sensei they're so excited about."

_That voice……_

Slowly, Gonou turned to face her. He couldn't believe his eyes. Kanan stood in front of him, looking just as he had remembered her, albeit older. The waist long hair a few shades lighter than his, eyes of the same grass green as his. Those very eyes were widening with recognition now as she dropped the books she was holding.

"Ka…nan?"

"Impossible…Go…nou?" At the sound of her name, her eyes were filled with tears of joy. Although Gonou never realized this, she had spent as many sleepless nights thinking about her presumed dead younger brother as Gonou had spent thinking about her. And now, to see him in front of her, not dead, but very much alive…

Gonou crossed the short distance between them and held her tight in his arms. _All this time…All this months…All for this…I never thought I'll really see her…much less touch her…_Even now, he was afraid to let go, afraid that once he did, Kanan would disappear like she had in his dreams.

***

He had mentioned his fear to Kanan and she had laughed, assuring him that she would stay with him forever with a light kiss. Yet, there were still nights when he was plagued with those past dreams. But those nights were getting rarer and rarer and he no longer had to convince himself that all this was not a mere figment of his imagination.

They had left the town a month ago. It was inevitable, when he and Kanan became lovers. Not that they broadcasted it, but somehow the cat was out of the bag. The townspeople already knew that he was looking for his sister and Kanan was his female counterpart in the looks department. Anyone could have put two and two together and come up with the word incest. Rather than endure the stares and gossip, he and Kanan had left. They now lived at a small village, far enough from the town that it was unlikely that anyone here would know them. Here, in the small, peaceful village, they had hoped to start their new life together.

_"Kanan, I'm going to start teaching at the village school."_

_"There is no proper school here, so that small school has a lot of orphans like us."_

_"Although the pay is not high, I think it's enough to support us both, so…"_

_"Let's live together!"_

_"Gonou…At last, we won't be alone anymore!"_

_***_

_"Kanan…I'm sorry, Kanan."_

_"You said you liked my hands, but my hands are covered with blood now."_

_"I will save you, Kanan. I definitely will."_

Everywhere he looked, there was blood. Blood on the floor, blood on the walls. Blood on the bodies, blood on his hands. His world was painted in shades of crimson.

***

It was inevitable that this image would appear in his mind every time it rained. This was the foremost reason he had associated rain with death.

"Hakkai?" Goku's voice broke through his morbid thoughts, bringing him abruptly back to the present.

"Goku?"

"Ne, can I stay here for awhile? Sanzo kicked me out of the room. You know how he's always so touchy when it rains-

_And I'm not?_

And Gojyo's downstairs talking with the ladies and I'm…"

"Hungry, right?" Hakkai rummaged in one of the packs and magically produced a nikuman, steaming hot. "Here."

"Thanks, Hakkai. You know me so~ well!"

Hakkai was somewhat glad that Goku had interrupted his thoughts. He wasn't sure he could control himself if he had to relive that particular memory again. And he didn't want Gojyo to come back and find his roommate in tears. And also, having Goku there helped keep the loneliness at bay.

"Ne, Hakkai, were you thinking of…her…again?" Goku asked suddenly, nikuman already gone.

"Kanan? Yes." No point hiding the obvious, though Goku's question was bringing his unstable emotions perilously close to the fore. _Please don't ask any questions…not now…_

"What's she like? She must be nice, right, since she's your sister."

_Why are you asking, do you want me to cry in front of you?_ "She's…a very nice person. Kind-hearted, caring…she's better than I ever can be." _There, are you satisfied now? Any more questions and what you get is Cho Gonou the demon, not Cho Hakkai the healer…_Unfortunately, his silent pleading was unheeded. 

"But if she's such a nice person, why are you always so sad when you think of her?"

"Why?" Hakkai came close to snapping as he felt Cho Gonou react violently to the question. Thunder roared and lightning flashed as the rain reached its climax. Fighting to regain control over his mind, which was as unstable as the elements outside, he answered shortly, "You know why. Because she died." _Are you trying to torture me? Do you want me to turn into pathetic sniveling mess?_ Part of his mind knew this was absurd and Goku was perfectly innocent, if too curious. But that part was losing, and the memory of Kanan's death caused tears to course down his face. He turned to face the window, unwilling to let Goku see his weakness.

Goku was startled by Hakkai's reaction. "I…I'm sorry, Hakkai. But I didn't mean that. What I meant was…was…" His brows knitted as he tried to find words to express his thoughts. "What I meant was…if thinking of Kanan's death makes you sad, why do you want to think that? I mean…you said Kanan was nice and caring, so…why don't you just think of her being nice and caring, and not of her dying?" Goku looked up at Hakkai expectantly. But Hakkai didn't change his pose. His answer, faint, was just loud enough to reach Goku's ears.

"It doesn't change anything."

Crestfallen, Goku said, "I know it doesn't, but….damnnit, you can't change anything! And…I just thought that maybe you won't be so sad if you thought that way…"

_You can't change anything…_

Only then did Hakkai turned to face Goku. But before he could say anything, the door opened to reveal Sanzo, robes and all, complete with cigarette dangling in his fingers.

"Oi, saru. Go clean up the mess you made in the room."

Goku obediently went out, pausing only to glance at Hakkai for a brief while. Sanzo entered, closing the door behind him.

"Saru's been bothering you?"

"No. Unexpectedly, he had some good advice."

"Good advice from him? Not likely."

Hakkai smiled. Then a thought occurred to him. "Sanzo…when you think of your master, what do you remember?"

When Sanzo didn't answer, Hakkai thought he had offended him. "I'm sorry."

"Paper plane."

"Huh?" 

"Paper plane. I remember him throwing a paper plane into the sky. Skipping the preaching and smoking where everyone could see him. Drinking sake and telling philosophies that you can never find in any sutra. That's what I remember him as."

"Ah." Hakkai wanted ask 'What about his death?' but he knew that it would do no good at all.

Sanzo rose to leave. Hand on the knob; he paused long enough to say, "I don't always think of his death. My master was more than that. As the girl was." And he left, the burnt out cigarette end being the only proof that he had came in. 

Hakkai was not surprised that Sanzo had read his mind. The blonde monk knew him too well. He could never hide his thoughts from him. The deeper meaning to the blonde's parting words was not lost on him.

_Yes, he knew Kanan was more than death._ _So why does he keep thinking of her death? Perhaps Goku was right. Perhaps he should pull his mind off that dead-end track. It certainly was getting him nowhere. _Leaning back against the pillow, Hakkai closed his eyes and recalled the memory of the brief period of happiness he and Kanan had spent together. Uninvited, the hated bloody image rose. _No, not this…_ He pushed the image away, a little surprised when he found that he could do that, and imagined Kanan as she had looked before. Kanan, smiling at him, happy because they were together. Kanan, laughing at some joke, playing with the kids. Kanan, simply being the Kanan he loved. And this time, though the memories brought sadness with it, it was no longer the heart-breaking ache it once was.

***

About an hour later, Gojyo came in.

Slowly opening his eyes, Hakkai raised his eyebrows. "Back already? It's still early."

"The girls here aren't pretty enough and it's raining too damn hard to go elsewhere." Gojyo grinned. "Besides, I thought you might want some company. It's going to be a cold night."

Hakkai smiled a genuine smile. Kanan may be a memory, but it need not be a memory of death. And though he had lost his lover, he had friends (though Sanzo will never admit it) and while he might never be complete again, he will not be alone anymore. 

"Cold night? I don't think so."

Outside, beyond the window, the rain had stopped at last.

~Owari~


End file.
